isabella fiore: theories on acceptance

theories on acceptance

my teacher has spent ten minutes

trying to present a document in our

zoom. the state of education is both

frightening and delirious at this point.

i worry she will start weeping and

the class will then be obliged to perform

emotional labour. not in this economy.

there are days where i forget i can

be depressed. i make blueberry hand

pies, call my best friend for two hours,

act like a human being who does things.

then it is wednesday at 4:32pm and i

am crying in bed because i missed my nap.

levels, apparently.

my appreciation for mood stabilizers grows

each and every day. thank you cipralex for

retaining my sanity; i owe much of my existence

to your tiny white pills.

sometimes that thought scares me. what

if my luggage gets lost, or my cat spills the

orange bottle into the toilet. how would

i handle myself? what thoughts would swirl

in my head night and day? nothing great,

i imagine.

i am still learning how to take days for myself.

nothing scares me more than feeling i

am putting myself before all the things on

my disorganized to-do list. it is not my fault

that i am like this.

it is not my fault that i am like this.

this is a mantra i chant in the mirror,

on the bus, when i am drinking coffee

in front of my computer monitor minutes

from a breakdown. i have learned to schedule

my life around my meltdowns, plan one

day per week where i must melt into the sheets

and feel no guilt. what is guilt anyways, but a

means in which to force ourselves to push

too far? what is guilt but social control? what

is guilt but an illness of its own?

this is grim but i am always on the border

of darkness. it is one of those things that loom

slightly too closely for my own liking, but there

is no use worrying about what i will never change.

change.

i don’t think i will ever change. i am learning to accept this too.

isabella fiore (she/they) is a writer who chronicles her experiences through love, sadness, and figuring out what it means to be a queer "woman" in her world. her publications include Cathartic Lit Magazine and TEEN-ZINE. when she is not writing, isabella can be found baking, napping, or wrapping herself in a blanket like a burrito. find her at @isabella.fioreee on instagram.