Andrew Hahn: A Faggot Tries to Be Christ-Like

Photo: Joanna C. Valente

a faggot tries to be christ-like

my father said hanging by the wrists & suffocating

is necessary to be saved

in everything i did     i tried to be like christ

& christ let men in uniform

drive nails btwn his radius & ulna

with the way my father sometimes looks at me

i bet he would love to drive nails

into my limp faggoty wrists

was it God who tortured & hung his son on the tree

jesus begged     sweat blood    

and the father said     i’m going to kill you anyway

was it God who whispered to the roman soldier

     to pierce jesus’ side

     to spill the blood & water so something on the earth

     could be holy

does shaming & killing his son make God an angry father

does following God’s teachings make fathers so cruel

is this how the church creates gods from men

i spent my whole life trying to be like jesus

but i refuse to die like him

when he penetrates me below my ribs

my father sees what i’m made of

blood & guts that have been fucked good

& the cum of fourteen men who loved me or didn’t

my body hisses & deflates

i become a cloud over my own cross

my father’s head turns to light

i ask him to cut himself open & show me who he is

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Andrew Hahn is an MFA candidate at Vermont College of Fine Arts. His work is has been featured in R.kv.r.y Quarterly, Lunch, Crab Creek Review, and Rappahannock Review among others. His chapbook God's Boy is forthcoming from Sibling Rivalry Press.