Kai Coggin: I May Never Push You Out

Kai Coggin: I May Never Push You Out

⌘ a star with my brown eyes


I have imagined

the rooms inside myself

the four chambers in which you can hide your toys 

the clothes you grow out of

the shoes I will bronze

with affection

you are but a starlight glow


with possibility 

and I am down here 

with my feet dug deeply into the earth

building a womb for you

weaved from gossamer and twilight 

a place for all the greatness of you to land

a homecoming for the universe 

to take shape 

in my cellular division

how I would divide myself into microscopic infinitudes 

in order to build you up

in order to create space 

for you to form 

from the invisible

into the tangible 


suckling mouth

tiny fingers

how I am waiting


my child

I would give you my father’s last name

and my mother’s open hands

and the eternal home of my patient chest

the supple orchard that I have finally garnered worthy

of your sweet becoming


I may never push you out


I may always want to be 

the fortress around your glowing heart

the shelter keeping treasure safe

the mother who builds walls of her own flesh

to protect you


but I know too

that I have warrior genes

that the man I choose 

to manifest you

from stardust

will be 

a King

here to serve 

only the purpose 

of this predestined conception

immaculate in its design

aligned with a promise I made to the sun


I know my blood is an ancient mix

there is nothing ordinary about this labor

the patient waiting

until the time comes when 

you appear

a mirror of my heart

a bloom of the infinity inside me


and your spark 

of life 


from the cosmos

into matter

into earthen-form

into a body of flesh and bone

will already be my hero

will already be my triumph and salvation


I am a mother without a child

my body is a warehouse of daydreams


prayers  and blueprints  and lullabies

line the lining of my womb

and somewhere

a star with my brown eyes

is falling 





Kai Coggin is a queer Filipino-American poet and author living on the side of a small mountain in Hot Springs National Park, AR. She received her BA in English, Poetry, and Creative Writing from Texas A & M University. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Assaracus, Blue Heron Review, Lavender Review, Broad!, Split This Rock, Yellow Chair Review, SunStruck Magazine, and many others

Kai is the author of two full-length collections, PERISCOPE HEART (2014) and WINGSPAN (2016), as well as a spoken word album called SILHOUETTE (2017). Her poetry has been nominated twice for The Pushcart Prize, as well as Bettering American Poetry 2015, and Best of the Net 2016. She teaches an adult creative writing class called Words & Wine, and is also a Teaching Artist with the Arkansas Arts Council and Arkansas Learning Through the Arts, specializing in bringing poetry and creative writing to youth.  www.kaicoggin.com