Luca Coppard: This Is What It Feels Like
The Girls
THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO ENTER A BAR
(ATTEMPT TO ENTER,
I AM NOT OUTSIDE OR IN
INSTEAD STUCK
IN THE LIMINAL SPACE
ON THE CONCRETE STEPS)
AND THE BOUNCER SCRUTINIZING MY ID SAYS
you don’t look much like your photo, miss
HE BLINDS ME SO
HE CAN SEE HOW
THE CURVE OF MY EYES
ARE THE SAME
AS MY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SELF
HE TAKES AWAY MY EARS
SO I CAN ONLY HEAR THE WHOOSH
OF THE CAR DRIVING DOWN THE STREET THAT
I WALKED DOWN WHEN
WE DIDN’T FIT TOGETHER
ANYMORE.
THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO LOOK AT THE GIRLS DANCING IN THE GAPS
BETWEEN THE TABLES
AND FEEL AS THOUGH
I AM ON ANOTHER PLANET.
THEY SWAY WITH
THEIR HIPS
TEQUILA BURNING
THEIR THROATS.
THEY LAUGH
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT AS FRAGILE
AS THE GLASS I JUST SMASHED
MY FIST POUNDING THE MIRROR
OVER AND OVER
UNTIL I COULDN’T HEAR THE MUSIC
ANYMORE.
THEY WERE PLAYING EARLY NOUGHTIES POP
THE TIME BEFORE MY BODY BEGAN TO STRETCH
IN WAYS THAT MADE ME ALIEN
I WAS ONE OF THE TALLEST IN MY CLASS
AGE ELEVEN
BUT NOW I STAND ON TIPTOES
TRYING TO REACH THE GIRLS IN HEELS
I TELL THEM TO SCRUTINIZE ME
JUST LIKE
THE BOUNCER DID
THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS FRIGHTENS THEM
BUT I TELL THEM NOT TO WORRY
SINCE I JUST MURDERED MY REFLECTION
THAT MADE ME WANT TO RIP MY SKIN
THE SKIN
I DO NOT WANT
ANYMORE.
THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO LOOK AT POSSIBLE VERSIONS OF MYSELF
POSSIBLE VERSIONS
VERSIONS THAT I COULD HAVE
SHOULD HAVE
WOULD HAVE BEEN
IF I WASN’T FOR THE WEIGHT IN MY CHEST
TELLING ME
I AM NOT ONE OF THEM
I LOOK AT THE GIRLS DANCING IN THE GAPS
BETWEEN THE TABLES
ONE OF THEM REACHES FOR MY HAND
BUT I AM HOLDING THE FRAGMENTS
SEARCHING FOR MY REFLECTION
I AM TRYING TO FIND HER
I AM TRYING TO FIND HIM
I AM TRYING TO JOIN THE DOTS
I HEAR THE BOUNCER LAUGHING OUTSIDE
ABOUT HOW THESE KIDS
NEVER LOOK LIKE THEIR PHOTOS
IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY WANT TO BE SEEN
IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY ARE ASKING
FOR TROUBLE.
Luca Coppard is a student living in Brighton, England. They write about being queer and nostalgic - their two main personality traits - and believe wholeheartedly that cats are much better than humans. You can find more of their poetry on their Instagram @lucawrites.
